


deaf.

by bhubblemilk



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-11 20:55:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17454155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bhubblemilk/pseuds/bhubblemilk
Summary: In which being best friends with you happened to be the best thing he’s ever done.





	deaf.

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: I did some fair research on being mute/deaf, and I wrote what I know, so I can be wrong at parts. Confusing dialogues and probably bad kiss scene.

This was how it went when you first met Hyunjin.

Your lack of ability to hear and speak had never really been a problem for you.

Your parents got you hearing aids that let you choose what you want to hear ever since you were young, but you never willingly chose to dial the noises to a zero. You liked to listen despite your incapability to do it well. You loved stories, you loved songs, you loved the conversations that serve as background noises to you. And people who are involved in a conversation with you talk ninety-nine percent of the time thanks to the fact that you couldn’t really speak.

Hyunjin was a boy with a lot to say, but he never did so. He used to but stopped when he realized people stopped caring about what was going on in his mind. The pent-up frustration gave him this irrational fear that he would explode and end up hurting someone one day. But more than that, he was scared that people would end up still not caring even after the potential break down he had been trying so hard to prevent from happening.

Thanks to your years of experience of listening to people’s problems and observing the way their muscles would relax and their forehead creases would lessen the more the rant about what was going wrong with their life, you easily noticed the dark words stored in Hyunjin’s chest as soon as he threw you a brief greeting after the teacher assigned you to sit next to him.

There was an unreadable element beneath his eyes, unlike most people you have seen who usually have one specific emotion behind their eyes. It seemed like sadness and anger and defeat was having a game of tug-of-war and you couldn’t tell which emotion was winning.

Hyunjin didn’t talk to you for the rest of the morning. Not during partner work, not after the teachers asked him to help you with catching up with the class. And you could tell he was getting more annoyed by the second as the teachers continuously put him down for not being nice to a transfer student.

Your original plan was to make him warm up to you for at least a little. The class was pretty full, and from what you have heard and seen, the class itself didn’t seem to like Hyunjin very much (for an unknown reason you planned to find out) so switching seats with someone else would be a problem.

That was fine. You could stay at your seat for the rest of the year. But if Hyunjin was going to be your deskmate, he’s got to start working with you cooperatively, and for that to go well, you two need to speak. Well, at least he has to.

It baffled him and the group of girls who were approaching you with their lunch boxes when you grabbed his hand seconds after the lunch bell rang.

“(Name), you don’t have to eat with him, you can sit with us!” One of them offered, emphasizing her words almost exaggeratingly.

Hyunjin rolled his eyes as he retreated his hands from your grip. “Jesus Christ, she is sitting right here. She can hear you, dumbass, she got fucking hearing aids on.” He said with a lazy tone as he side-eyed the girl.

 _Ah, this is why they don’t like him._ You grabbed a pen and wrote something down on the paper:

**I’ll sit with you all next time. Today, I want to talk to him. Thank you.**

You put the paper down with a playful smile and returned your attention to Hyunjin. He stared back at you, his boredom completely masking every other feeling that was once evident in his eyes when he first looked at you when he wasn’t as alert as he was now regarding how much he was giving out to his desk-mate.

You pointed at the paper once before grabbing his hand, your free one holding onto the sandwich your mother made for you and you stood up, pulling him along.

“I don’t want to talk to you.” Hyunjin laughed sarcastically as he attempted to pull his hand away from your grip once again, but much to his surprise, you tightened it, your fingers curling around his hand tightly as you turned around and glared at him.

He was flustered upon your insistence and shocked that you were actually way stronger than you looked. But he supposed not being able to talk to people had given you chances to do more of something else that requires strength instead, like dancing, which he loves.

“This is harassment, you are making me do something I don’t want to do!” He accused with little to no hint of irritation in his voice, just complete surrender as he let you drag him across the hallway of this floor, up the stairs, and finally arrive at the roof the school.

You looked twice to make sure no one was there before closing the door and beckoning him to follow you to the corner of the roof where you dropped your food and pulled out a small notepad and pen from your dress pocket.

They were surprisingly useful for the usual girl pockets in dresses and jeans.

**My name is (Full name). I am deaf, as you know, and I can’t really talk, as you know.**

“Okay, what the fuck are you trying to say?” Hyunjin scratched the back of his head, the impatience slowly creeping back up on him, you could tell.

You tapped the end of your pen on the paper, finding the right place to start what you wanted to tell him.

**You…**

**You have a lot to say, don’t you? But you never did.**

Hyunjin scoffed, “What the fuck do you know–can you not scribble when I’m talking, that is an interruption and it is so rude!”

You looked up at him with deadpan eyes. Pointing the pen at him and then back at yourself, you wrote something down before flipping it over to let him read.

**Rude?**

_“You want to talk to me about being rude?”_

Hyunjin clicked his tongue, a bit annoyed that he managed to understand what you were trying to tell him. Fair enough. “I have nothing to say. I am fine.”

**No you’re not.**

**You’re hurt.**

**You’re scared.**

**People don’t care, so you don’t talk, and you have everything thrust inside your heart.**

**You don’t want to hurt people with your outburst so you isolate yourself and now you have even more stored up.**

**There are more people out there just like you than you believe, Hyunjin.**

He gritted his teeth. You found the needle in the haystack, your assumption was precisely how he had been feeling for the past years. He hated that you managed to read him like he was a textbook, easy and out in the open. “You don’t know shit about me,” he denied before spinning on his heels and stomping away.

Your quick footsteps followed him and suddenly you were in front of him again, your board up in his face.

**Wait!!!**

Dropping it on the floor, you stepped up to take his hands in yours again. You pointed at his heart, back at yourself, and at your ear.

_“I’ll listen to you.”_

You made a face and pointed at him.

_“If you’re scared,”_

Turning to your side, you showed him your hearing aid and dialed it down to zero.

_“Then I don’t listen, you can just vent.”_

This time, you pointed at the corner, where you two were originally standing and also where you had left your mother’s sandwich. Hyunjin pursed his lips. You were giving him an option that no one has ever given him before. It would be dumb of him not to take it.

He felt a tap to his arm and he looked back. Your notepad was already in your hands and something else was written on there:

**You shouldn’t be scared to talk about your feelings.**

He took the offer. And that was how it went, that was how you two became each others’ closet friend.

* * *

Things have changed, at least a little, ever since you became close friends with Hyunjin. He was still the same old him, not being able to shake off his rude demeanor with a just a simple snap of his fingers. However, while that certain unpleasant trait stayed with him, he did gain something out of this friendship. Two things to be specific. The first one being the fact that he finally has someone to talk to without feeling the need to hold anything back.

You were not judgemental, or at least you knew how to hide your thoughts well. He couldn’t imagine any other way for you to be, though, when you couldn’t speak and all that was on your mind had to be written in papers. You have always had the chance to think about the consequences before you express anything on your mind. You could scribble and delete your words, running your pen so hard across the sentences until he couldn’t see beneath the gaps of the crossed out lines anymore.

He groaned deeply as his eyes furrowed, squinting at the sky as if it had just told him something that made absolutely no sense. His hands were on the back of his head and he was lying on the ground, next to you who was munching away on your lunch. Lying next to you was your pen and the new notepad Hyunjin got you. He told you he bought it from a store, but the pages were so wrinkled that you assumed he really just found it somewhere in his messy room, maybe under a pile of comic books, and gave it to you since he has no use of it at all.

Your eyes traveled from the fence of the rooftop to him when he sat up, his arms propped up behind him to support his torso. He tilted his head as he glanced at you and your heart wavered under his curious gaze that made you felt as if he was unwrapping your mind piece by piece. To distract yourself from his alluring eyes, you hardened your gaze and let out a questioning noise from the back of your throat.

Hyunjin chuckled, “Sorry, I was just thinking about something.”

You shrugged.  _“What is it?”_

“Have you ever tried talking before?” He asked, “I mean, you can hear me right? So you do know how to pronounce the words.”

You pouted a little, unsure of what to do. You have spoken before, but only to your family and close relatives since with them, you could take your time with the voicing of the words and adjusting your voice. But after attending sign language classes with your parents, you started to speak lesser and lesser and decided to simply use body language as a way of communication. Your parents didn’t have a problem with it so you continued, and with your relatives, you just wrote on papers to communicate with them the way you would with Hyunjin now.

You opened your mouth to speak and quickly snapped it shut in faint embarrassment. You shut your eyes as your lips quirked up into a small smile before you attempted to say a full sentence again. Hyunjin’s eyes went wide as a smile slowly spread across his face too upon hearing your talking voice for the first time. For the past months, he had only heard you make noises like laughs when he cracks a joke and sudden yells when he took the ham out of your sandwich. Your talking voice came as a surprise to him. It was a bit loud and you were slurring some of the words, you also did a lot of hand gestures he was growing to understand as you talked. And, all in all, Hyunjin adored the way you speak, even though you were asking him if he wanted you to ask your mother to make more portion of your lunch so he could have his own share of it since he always seemed to be without some food in his hands during lunchtime.

“I would love that, if she doesn’t mind making more for me,” Hyunjin replied.

You giggled with an enthusiastic nod. “She doesn’t. She loves you because you are my best friend.”

“Really? How flattering, tell her I love her cooking and I can’t wait to eat the food she makes,” he said.

You hummed, indicating that you made sure you would deliver his compliment. As you returned your attention back to your food, picking it up from your lap and starting to munch onto it slowly again, Hyunjin’s eyes of infinite tenderness were focused on your little movements, which fortunately you failed to notice.

There were two things that he gained from this friendship. The first one was the opportunity of lifting the emotional burden off his shoulders anytime he needed to. The second was this—the distantly familiar feeling of butterflies in his stomach, of the arms of pure bliss engulfing his mind, of uncontrollable excitement whenever his name left your voice.

The second thing he gained was that he fell in love, and he fell hard. And he’d like to think it went well for both of you.

* * *

This wasn’t how he thought the Christmas dinner would go.

You had reassured him several times that your parents were fine with him having Christmas dinner with them since your close relatives weren’t able to make it back and they, along with you, refused to have him spend Christmas alone. The more the merrier, you had written in all caps for him, taking up the whole notepad.

You told him he didn’t have to feel nervous. He didn’t for the first half of the celebration, then he did for the second half, but for a different reason. It wasn’t him, it was your parents who had not stopped throwing knives in the form of words at each other since the mention of the fact that there would be no BBQ ribs because your mother forgot to get it during Christmas shopping. It was awkward, the kind of painful awkwardness of not wanting to hear in on the argument yet not having the courage to excuse yourself from the table either because the argument was so heated.

Hyunjin was chewing the sweet potato extremely slowly, his eyes darting from his bowl to your parents from time to time as he soon started to grind his teeth on the metal chopsticks instead of actually trying to eat anymore. His appetite was long gone. And he noticed that you were feeling exactly the same way he was, except more pressured than ever before.

Hyunjin frowned. He had never seen you look so sulky before. The lights in your eyes were gone as your hands fidgeted with the tablecloth and your lips pursed into a grim line. The desert in your bowl was untouched by you but your gaze was burning holes into it.

Breathing out a sigh, he suddenly stood up, startling everyone in the room. Your parents stopped to look at him, which was when Hyunjin threw them a charming smile that made it looks as if he heard absolutely nothing. “Thanks for the food, it’s very delicious! Uh…(Name), didn’t you say you have something to show me, in your room?” He looked over at you and raised his eyebrows.

You caught onto his plan immediately and you nodded. Turning to your parents, you did a bunch of hand gestures that Hyunjin struggled to catch up on, but he had an overall idea of what your conversation with your parents was about through mainly their responses and a little of the sign languages he had taken time out of his life to learn.

_“It’s important, it’s for school.”_

_“It’s okay, just pick a movie. We can start after I tell him what it is.”_

_“Yes, mom, it’s for school, I promise!”_

You huffed out an annoyed breath before you grabbed Hyunjin’s hand and guided him upstairs to where your room was. You pushed him in and slammed the door shut, a heavy pout on your face. As soon as you turned around to look at him, you started to rant with mostly hand gestures and frustrated noises coming from the back of your throat.

Hyunjin’s jaw dropped in startlement. He had no idea what you were trying to tell him, but he knew that you were extremely annoyed. It had to do with your parents, he believed. He could tell from the way your eyes rolled to the side every other word and the way you ran your hand through your hair. He let out a small laugh, never seeing your irritated state before and finding out how unintimidating you are even when you are angry.

“Okay, calm down now. It was a bit awkward but still,” he said softly as he stepped up to you and placed his hands on your shoulder firmly. “Slow down, (Name), slow~”

You listened to him, although the scoff still remained on your face. Placing your hand on your lips, you waved your hand off to the front as you mouthed something, not meeting his eyes in the process.

_“Thank you.”_

“You’re welcome.” Hyunjin grinned. That was more on his level.

He watched as you slumped down on your bed, letting the soft mattress hug your body for a brief moment before sitting up and scooting to the corner until your back hit the bedpost. Hyunjin looked around your desk and grabbed a paper and pen before walking over to join you.

He nudged your arm with his elbow before offering the stationary to you with a soft smile playing on his lips. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, even though you had already started writing down something.

**I hate the fact that I am the only reason why they are still together. It makes me feel pressured, it’s like I’m the one who’s wrong in this situation and I am the one preventing them from finding their own happiness.**

**I hate it.**

“I’m sorry you have to go through that.” It was all Hyunjin said. He wasn’t sure what else he could have said since he had never experienced that kind of burden before. It was best to sympathize than give advice when a time like this comes.

You nuzzled your head to his shoulder, a way of thanking him and assuring him that you will be fine as time pass. After a moment, you wrote something down again.

**Let’s not talk about this, it’s sad and it’s Christmas. They don’t go together!**

Hyunjin nodded in agreement. He hummed in thought about what to talk about. You guys spent so much time together It seemed like you guys have covered every existing topic on Earth already. Sometimes, you two would even do re-runs of certain things to see if anything could be added on.

“I like your room, it’s very… minimalistic, tidy, and a lot of books,” he nudged his chin towards your bookshelf after scanning your room altogether.“

You giggled in response.

**You can borrow them if you want. You should.**

He shifted his position with a small ‘no’ coming from the back of his throat, then, an idea coming to mind. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a small business card that he had received on his way to school the other day and handed it to you.

"I got scouted by an agency, you must have heard of it, right?” He started, “The man told me I should audition, I think it is next week.”

Your eyes widened at the card with the name of an agency printed on it. This was what he had always wanted. You knew Hyunjin had a thing for dancing, and if he starts to train as an idol, he would have countless opportunities to perform in front of big audiences. He could become successful, this is his dream. Now that a path was presented to him, you couldn’t help but be excited for him. However, the joyful expression on your face faded when you saw how unsure he looked.

He looked at you when you let out a questioning noise and he chuckled bitterly. “I don’t know, I’m not sure. There are so many other talented people, in this whole country, looking to be an idol. I might be a good dancer to you, but I am probably mediocre in terms of a national level.”

You gasped in disbelief, sitting up on your knees as your body faced him completely. You grabbed the pen and scribbled quickly, your words came out as almost unreadable to him that he needed to do a double take.

**You ARE good. You once told me I am one of the smartest person you’ve ever met so trust me when I say you are a really attractive dancer and you will pass the audition.**

**You should try it out. You have to try it out. This is too good of an opportunity to pass up!**

Hyunjin laughed, scratching the back of his head. “I really don’t know. I don’t trust my skills enough. Besides, my personality isn’t really that charming, unlike literally every idol out there right now–”

You let out an impatient noise, interrupting him completely with that as you moved forward, throwing one leg over his thigh unknowingly to keep yourself closer to him. Hyunjin was too surprised to give a reaction according to what was happening, his mind not being able to process the intimate position that you two were in. And when you grabbed a hold of his face, squeezing his cheeks together, he was sure he had lost it.

It genuinely upset you that he didn’t think he was good enough in all department. He was a good friend. He was patient with you, he was kind, he was always ready to be on your defense if anything was to stir up when you two were hanging out anywhere outside. It bothered you that Hyunjin doesn’t give himself enough credit.

“Well, too bad, you are great and–” you slurred out strongly and slowly, staring directly into his eyes with determination that you wished he had, “–I believe in you. Okay? I do.” You shut your mouth suddenly and reached out for the paper. You tore the corner part out after drew something down and placed it in his shirt pocket for him to keep.

If the recent compliment was sending him butterflies, what just happened got fireworks exploding in his entire body. He felt everything, from the tingling feeling in his chest at the feeling of your hands around his to the slight burn of his blush at the way you looked into his soul with such admiration. Most importantly, he felt loved and validated. He had always felt loved in your presence, maybe that was why spending time with you bring so much happiness to him, but what just happened—you telling him you believed in him without a trace of doubt in your voice—heightened that feeling by a million, he felt like his happiness had peaked.

Your hand trailed down his free arm as you felt his other arm reached up to your face. His palm laid flat against your cheek for a moment before he reached further behind to turn your hearing aid to a zero, completely shutting off your hearing.

You felt your breath hitch in your throat, but your confusion at his action covered your shyness and heavily thumping heart. Seeing your furrowed brows and wide eyes, Hyunjin took that as a sign that you wouldn’t be able to hear what he was about to say, the simple confession he was about to make now because there was no way he would be brave enough to do so when you could hear him.

He breathed out a soft sigh before letting his head hung low, his hand settling on your cheek again. You covered the back of his palm with curiosity, tilting your head to the side. He smiled, he could particularly hear the questions in your head.

Hyunjin bumped his forehead against yours before he whispered out, quietly and cautiously even though he knew you wouldn’t be able to hear him, “(Name)…I, uh, I think…”  _Screw that._ “I love you, so much.”

He looked back up and pulled away, missing the small disappointed arch of your lips. He tapped his ear with a playful smile and you turned your hearing aids back on. As soon as the sound came back, you wasted no time to ask him what he said by tapping his shoulder repeatedly.

Hyunjin shrugged, “Nothing much, I just said you’re ugly, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

You pulled away after giving him a shove to the side, a scoff on your face as you turned away and left the bed. With all that dramatic actions, you thought he was saying something sentimental. Hyunjin laughed as he followed you down the stairs to find your parents so you all could watch a movie in the living room.

That was how it went for Christmas dinner. You both believed that it went well.

* * *

“I can walk you to the agency,” your voice was small when you offered, your fingers darting between Hyunjin and you as you tilted your head after looking up at him, a smile on your face. “I have nothing to do.”

Hyunjin grinned, a mix of eagerness and proudness in each curve of his lips and eyes. Mostly because he got the chance to spend more time with you even after school. You two didn’t drift apart even with his busy training schedule, you two simply had less time to spend outside of school but that wasn’t much of a bother to the both of you. School time would settle for now. And also because how much more you’ve been speaking to him and how much better you sounded since the first time he heard your beautiful voice, and he was endlessly proud of your progress.

“We have a test tomorrow,” Hyunjin mentioned, casually swinging an arm across your shoulder as you two walked to the nearest bus stop. “I most likely won’t have time to study so you know the cue tomorrow. Just slightly angle your test so I can read your answers better.”

You laughed and nodded, knowing fairly well Hyunjin didn’t need your help. He listens in class and that seemed to be enough for him to get a decent grade in all subjects. Not top tier but above average. If anything, sometimes it was you who needed his help.

_“You don’t need me.”_

You signed with a playful smile on your face and for a moment Hyunjin’s face fell due to his misinterpretation of what you were really trying to say. His heart was speeding up in panic at the mere possibility of that becoming true and somehow, he felt the need to make it very clear that he does need you. He does, and he will.

“What are you talking about? Of course, I do,” He said, trying to sound as normal as possible, “I need you, always.”

You smiled. It was nice to hear that and to feel like he meant what he said.

_“And I you. Always.”_

There was a moment of silence after you two stopped at the bus stop. Hyunjin openly stared at you with fondness as he recalled the exact moment you signed those words to him even though it had only happened a few minutes ago. As afraid of it as he was, he never attempted to hide the love he held for you. He has this brilliant plan of using denial as his getaway if you ever bring up the topic, which you never did, not even once.

You were really oblivious. Too oblivious for such an observant person, Hyunjin thought, to a point where he was starting to believe that you were just turning a blind eye to the way his eyes sparkle differently whenever he looks at you or how he literally couldn’t keep his hands off you, from playing with your fingers when you guys were chatting to tugging your hair behind your ear in the middle of the street.

You were smiling up at him, a rather flustered smile when you tapped him on the shoulder. He hummed, tilting his head to the side and raising an eyebrow at you.

You signed slowly.

_“Don’t look at me like that.”_

Hyunjin shrugged, “Like what?”

You hesitated for a moment, but once again you signed slowly, somehow hoping he would interpret your words wrong.

_“Like you are in love with me.”_

Hyunjin inhaled dramatically as he looked away, bracing himself for absolutely nothing except for reciting the speech of how you were being delusional. He turned back to you and chuckled, “Well, do you think I am?”  _Oh, what the fuck is wrong with you, Hwang Hyunjin. You had a plan and you destroyed it, you idiot._

You laughed with a shook of your head and Hyunjin wasn’t sure if he felt fortunate that you had no idea of his true feelings or disappointed that you didn’t think he could fall head over heels for you the way he had. He opened his mouth to speak, but before words could fall out of his mouth, the bus arrived.

* * *

Hyunjin stumbled into his home, exhausted and wanting nothing more than to take a hot shower and slump right into his comfortable bed. The living room was brightly lit and his parents were having dinner, already used to not having him around the dining table and therefore did not bother to leave a spot for him.

“I see you decided to go on with the training, even though I specifically told you I would rather have you focus more on your studies instead,” a voice came through his ears and he rolled his eyes in annoyance.

You had given him endless support with his road to becoming an idol, but his parents stood on the other side of the seesaw and did not appreciate him taking out his time to pay attention to what was a waste of time in their eyes.

“What good does being a celebrity brings you, really? It’s a game of luck, you may never get your big break. Hell, what makes you think you can make it to debut?”

“I don’t know, dad, I think my personality is just as charming as yours,” Hyunjin retorted with a polite voice, not wanting to stir up anything when he could barely walk a step without his hips and back hurting.

“You’re definitely not going to make it with that damn attitude. Besides, let’s say if you do, what are you going to do with your little friend? What’s her name again… (Name)? Oh, Jisung told me all about her the other day he came to sleep over. Sweet little thing, isn’t she? She has to be, I assume. Can’t hurt you too much when she can’t speak, unlike you.”

His mother’s words halted him to a stop. His eyes were focused on his feet before he looked up and met eyes with her with a complete lack of confidence. “What are you trying to say?”

“Nothing. All I’m saying is if you and your friends  _do_  make it big, you’re going to be swarmed with busy schedules and sleepless nights. You’re going to have less time to see each other. When you do see her,” she paused a little, contemplating, “you are going to be tired and what is there to stop you from taking it out on her? And if you end up not debuting, you will be frustrated and there you go, you’re might just end up taking it out on her too.”

It was snarky of her to use all of his weaknesses against him in one go. It was hard for Hyunjin to dismiss what was told to him as he ignored his parents and walked back into his room. He threw his school bag on the floor and fell onto his bed. He stared at the ceiling and let the light pierce his eyes for a moment before he pulled out his wallet from his pants pocket.

He had saved the note you left him on Christmas day there. The paper with a rather weird looking doodle (that Felix could not stop laughing at) and next to the picture, the four words 'You can do it’ in your handwriting style. It was something that Hyunjin treasured. He looks at it from time to time to give himself motivation. He was also weirdly protective of the idea of only him having something like that. When you had the chance to meet up with the rest of the group, you had jokingly suggested you could draw one for all the members to keep them going if they wanted to. Hyunjin wasn’t fond of that idea, anyone could tell with the unwilling pout on his face when you brought it up.

He traced the words that were printed on the wrinkled paper, his brows arched sadly as he licked his lower lip. Maybe his mother was right. He might end up hurting you at the end of the day, it didn’t matter how his life was going to turn out. And that was the last he wanted to do.

* * *

The empty seat next to you was irking you. You understood that Hyunjin got sick and he wasn’t able to attend school, but for the past few weeks, he had been extremely busy with training due to the fact that the upcoming showcase would determine whether or not he gets to debut or not and you could not help but feel like you’ve been left alone.

When the bell rang, you quickly gathered your things together and left after bidding your classmates goodbye. Your class president had appointed you to deliver today’s class notes and homework to him since you were his best friend, and it was a shocker when you told her you had never been to his home before. She was kind enough to tell you how to arrive at the address Hyunjin had given you before.

When his mother opened the door, she glanced at you for a moment before realization hit her face and she moved away. “He’s in his room, down the hall to the left, the last room is his.”

You knocked on the door after carefully stepping your way into the house, looking around and examining the dimly lit space. Hyunjin swung the door open with an annoyed look on his face, expecting to see his mother standing in front of him. He cast his eyes downwards and for a moment, softened when he saw that it was you.

“Hyunjin!” You yelped as you quickly reached your hand up to his forehead to check the temperature, causing the tall boy to stumble back in surprise. His hand snuck around your waist to keep your steady from tip-toeing to reach his head and he brought you into the room with him.

“(Name), stop!” He stabled you on the spot before pulling away. His guard was built back up immediately after he remembered what he had told himself that night, and he had to look away to make sure he couldn’t give himself a chance to give into you. Oh, did he missed the warmth of your hands.

“I’m fine, I’m not sick… I just didn’t want to go to school.” He muttered under his breath.

You breathed out a small frustrated sigh but you handed him the paperwork nonetheless. He received it quickly, snatching them out of your hands before throwing them onto his messy desk.

“Thanks, you can go now,” he said.

You were fidgeting with your fingers nervously, trying to come up with reasons why he was acting so weird. “Hyunjin…”

Hyunjin breathed out inwardly, his heart leaping dramatically at the sound of his name being spoken in such a disappointed, worrying tone. Oh, he really missed your voice, he really did.

“I am fine, I swear. I will see you at school tomorrow.” He reassured tiredly.

“Hyunjin–”

“Oh my fucking god, can you just go?”

Your eyes widened, causing the tears brimming behind them more visible to the eye. You reached into your bag and pulled out a notepad and pen, writing slowly on it as if to stall time, any amount of time you could get to stay in the same room as your best friend so you could at the very least look at him for a while.

**Are you storing up your troubles again? You know you can talk to me, right?**

 

Hyunjin shrugged, and your lips arched downwards even more. When you lowered your head to write was the only time he had the guts to look at you.

**Is it because of me?**

**You don’t want to go to school because of me, is it?**

Hyunjin exhaled in exhaustion as he ran a hand through his hair. “No, that’s not it, I just…” he pursed his lips together, reminding himself not to look into your eyes as you stepped up to you, again and again, because or else it would utterly destroy him.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He reached out to touch you, but you moved out of his way quickly, looking down at the ground with tears falling down your cheeks silently. You should have expected this day to come eventually, the day he would get tired of you, the day he wouldn’t need you in his life anymore.

Hyunjin’s retreated his hand and held onto it with his other, digging his nails into his palm to keep himself steady and clear in the head so he could convince himself that this was what’s good for the both of you.

You wrote something down on the notepad before slapping it to his chest. Your hand lingered there, hoping he would somehow snap out of this state and hold onto you again, but he didn’t. You pushed him a little, dropping the notepad on the floor before turning around and quickly leaving.

Hyunjin bent down to pick it up. The notepad went back to page one and he had to flip over the past conversations you two have held. He did it slowly, recalling every single word you have told him along with the sound of laughter and the joy of playful shoves that came with it. It brought a bitter smile to his face that faded as soon as he arrived at the last page.

**You’re already hurting me, Hyunjin.**

Hyunjin puffed out air in frustration, rubbing his face with his hands before throwing the notepad on the floor as a way to vent out his anger and disappointment in himself.

The plan didn’t go that well for him, neither did it go that well for you. And maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t the right thing for him to do.

* * *

When Hyunjin walked into class in the morning, you had glanced at him briefly and nodded in acknowledgment before going back to chatting with your classmates. But your mind had been elsewhere as you guys talked about whatever that was going on with the school’s latest events as soon as you knew that Hyunjin was in the room.

The bell rang, signaling that it was the start of class. You waved quickly at your friends before heading back to your seat, something you were dreading about. The awkward tension between you two was profoundly uncomfortable and you felt this horrible sense of loss regarding the friendship you had with Hyunjin.

“(Name)…”

You turned to him rather abruptly, your eyes wide and your voice squeaky. You tilted your head to the side questioningly, your expression unreadable as you looked at him. You watched as he sighed, willing yourself not to say anything that would potentially make things worse.

“Can we talk, please?”

Your face scrunched up a little as you felt your heart waver. You removed your grip from the hem of your uniform skirt and grabbed a pen and wrote at the corner of your paper.

**Not now.**

“Okay. During lunch–”

“Hyunjin, I will greatly appreciate it if you will listen and not talk to your best friend as soon as you got back to school,” the teacher yelled from the front of the class.

Hyunjin opened his mouth to apologize as he leaned back against his seat. During lunch, fingers crossed that it would go well and everything could go back to the way it is.

* * *

**What?**

How funny was it that he could feel the coldness coming from one single word written on paper and how incredulous it was that he was actually feeling pangs in his heart from this certain word.

You waited impatiently as you stood on top of the roof, the cold breeze hitting your hair and making them cling to your cheeks annoyingly.

“I’m…I’m sorry, (Name),” Hyunjin said sincerely, rubbing the hem of his school blazer.

You hummed with a nod, accepting his apology without a lick of reluctance.

**Okay. Thanks for the apology.**

As you turned around to leave, Hyunjin quickly stopped you by grabbing a hold of your elbow. “Wait, what does that mean? Do you forgive me or not?” He asked urgently, spinning you around to face him.

You let out a strained noise from the back of your throat, something akin to a pained groan that Hyunjin knew was mustered from you all because of him. You pointed at him accusingly, your eyes once again wide with tears like it had been for hours yesterday. You jabbed at his chest, pushing him backward as exasperated noises sounded from you.

You gulped hardly before fishing out the usual paper and pen from your pocket.

**You hurt me and you expect me to forgive you? Hyunjin, I thought you would never ever hurt me and you let me down, you really did.**

**You could have given me an explanation at least!**

“I tried but you didn’t want to listen to me at that time!” He retorted, raising his voice by a little in the process.

**You didn’t! All you said was that you didn’t want to hurt me!**

Your hand trailed off when Hyunjin suddenly yelled.

“I am scared, (Name), I’m scared of hurting you!” He said, placing his hands on your shoulders. “My mom… she told me no matter what happens to me in the future, I would end up venting everything out on you. I know we have no problem hearing out each others’ problems but how am I supposed to know if one day I go too far and you wouldn’t want to put up with my shit anymore? And being an idol doesn’t really give me a free life, does it? I might not have time to see you anymore!”

He breathed in deeply, “I’m not good for you.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. That was what he was worried about? Such a trivial problem? He really underestimated his place in your heart and the range of things you were willing to endure from him, huh.

**You don’t get to decide that, Hyunjin, whether you are good for me or not. That is my decision.**

**And that will never hurt me. I am willing to put up with it because I would never want you to let your problems dwell inside.**

**Your problems are my problems.**

**No one can take me away from you, not even you.**

You dropped your paper and grabbed onto his hand, raising them up to your chest level. Your eyes were frantic as you searched for his. You met them quickly and you could tell he was feeling the same way as you were. A little bit of desperation and a little bit of relief.

“It’s okay,” you said firmly, “Seriously, Hyunjin, you are good. I love you!”

His sight was going hazy now, the only thing in focus was you and him. His heart thumped against his chest, threatening to break out of his chest and land right on yours instead. When you saw how stoic he looked, you immediately recalled what you had said and upon realizing the sudden confession you had just made, you froze.

“Ah… I… Just pretend you didn’t hear it–” You sucked in a quick breath when Hyunjin leaned in to capture your lips into an urgent kiss, not giving you a chance to think as he then deepened the kiss by angling his head and holding you closer by the waist. He was going insane at this fluttery feeling of having your chapped lips on his, fitting each other perfectly, and he only wanted more. You could hear him breathe in content when you responded and it brought a faint smile on your face.

It was nothing like the way you had expected your first kiss to be like. It wasn’t romantic or slow, it was quite the opposite of that, but you liked it. You liked the taste of desperation on his tongue, it made you feel needed somehow. One thing that you did check off from your list of first kiss expectations was that it did indeed feel like the void in your heart was miraculously filled and that your mind would go haywire.

Hyunjin pulled away reluctantly, but he kept a close distance where his lips would still brush the surface of yours. He was smiling, not widely, it was more of a smirk.

“Do you remember Christmas? When I told you something?” He asked as his hand traveled from your waist to your cheek, his thumb running across our rosy pink cheeks. You nodded, still trying to catch your breath as his hand reached to your hearing aid. He touched the dial, but he turned it all the way up this time to make you heard him loud and clear.

“I lied, I actually told you I’m in love with you but I was too much of a coward to say so,” he confessed, “But I’ll tell you now, again, that I am in love with you, and I always will be.”

You giggled, the sound only fuelling Hyunjin’s desire to kiss you again but you beat him to it by pecking his lips. He chuckled. He knew what that meant exactly.

_“I forgive you.”_

_“And I am in love with you too, always.”_

That was how it went, the long-awaited confession. It went well, and you could not wait to see how your relationship with him will turn in the future. What you know for now, though, was that it would go just fine.


End file.
